I fucked up my back by not sneezing.

It’s a scientific fact that you should never stifle your sneezes. Because brain aneurysms and shit like that.  But I was pouring water into the coffee maker when the sneeze monster invaded my nostrils. But I crushed the sneeze monster rebellion, won the battle, and lost the war. You see, I care more about my coworkers having booger-free coffee than I care about not having a brain aneurysm. If anyone chides me for my selfish Western individualism when I want to take some time off and, y’know, see my parents once every few years, I’ll be sure to bring that up.

But anyway, while I didn’t get a brain aneurysm from suppressing a double sneeze, I did manage to pinch a nerve in my neck. I found this out yesterday when, after a week of sore back and shoulder muscles, I found that getting out of bed was painful and difficult due to the weight of my head sending shooting electric agony down to my left shoulder blade. I was immobilized like that nerdy turtle guy on Rocko’s Modern Life when he gets flipped over on his back.

I’m OK. I’m OK. Oh fishsticks.

So anyway the doctor looked at my X-rays and said I have narrow discs that leave me vulnerable to a pinched nerve. Brought on by the impact of a violent sneeze being redirected from the surrounding air (and my coworkers’ coffee) where it belonged, to my upper spine where it smashed a couple of vertebrae together and knocked the nerve out of place. That’s some jiu jutsu shit.

So… don’t hold your sneezes, kids.


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