Eat a bag of “Dick’s”

S and I were waiting in line for kebabs at a winter fireworks show for the Japanese foundation day. Lately I like to think of ridiculous scenarios as a way of avoiding anxiety attacks when I invariably space out in crowded, overstimulating spaces that are EVERYWHERE in Japan. Seriously, Japan is either the closest you can get to the sublime womblike state of a sensory deprivation chamber, like this:

… but more often it’s a manic panic seizure-inducing fresh hell like this:

Like the Game of Thrones, there is no middle ground.

So anyway, the meds are kicking in and I thought it might be safe to actually put on pants and leave the house. But of course, I started to space out whilst standing in that eternally long kebab line, and here’s where my thoughts ended up.

Me: (Staring at the food trucks) If I owned a hot dog truck, I’d call it Dick’s. And all the food would come in a bag, so basically I’d be telling all my customers to (snickering) eat a bag of dicks.
S: Why’s that funny? (Note: my sun-and-stars is Japanese and nearly fluent in English but not quite, so there’s a lot of innuendo he doesn’t get at first.)
Me: “Eat a bag of dicks” is an insult in English. And a hilarious one at that.
S: But in Japan, no one would even notice. They’d just say, “hey, let’s go to Dick’s!”
Me: I know, that’s what makes it even funnier! (laughing uncontrollably now)
Me: And I’d make the trucks’s slogan “Eat a bag of Dick’s!” and it would be written on the bag! (cackling)

My food truck/shop would become a viral sensation on Buzzfeed, because of course it would. Then, once the PTA bible-bangers in the English-speaking world start accusing me of obscenity or whatever, I’d just play dumb and insist that I named the business after my dear departed grandfather Richard, who loved hot dogs with spicy mustard.

The only potential kink in this plan is that my eye starts twitching when people misuse apostrophes. You know, like when they post on Instagram with “Look at me, Im eating hot dog’s!LOL!!1!!1” If my slogan were “Eat a bag of Dick’s,” would a secretly insulting double entendre justify abuse of the apostrophe? Would I be unwittingly encouraging everyone to throw apostrophes around willy-nilly like the youths these days?

No, telling potentially thousands of people to eat a bag of dicks (sans apostrophe) is all well and fine in my world. But committing grammatical sins? I just couldn’t live with myself.

Then we ordered kebabs and I forgot all about the quandary for the next 3 days.





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